“It’s all about you”

Some years back, I was in my late 40s and going through some wicked dark times — personally, financially, spiritually — lots of ache there. I worked part-time at a certain global coffee shop just to have health insurance and help make ends meet. When I found out my daughter would be moving overseas with her Marine husband for three years, I crumpled into a depression. I am not exaggerating when I say I was suicidal.

One of the regulars at the coffee shop, “Jane”, had a son in the military. She had told me that her son was deploying before Christmas, so they were celebrating a few weeks early. When she came into the shop, I put my hand on the counter, reaching toward her, mother to mother, and said, “Oh, Jane, you’ll understand this: my daughter and her husband are leaving for three years and it’s killing me!” My heart was breaking so loudly, I thought surely she could hear it. But she couldn’t. Or wouldn’t.

Instead, she smirked, and smarmed at me, “Oh, because it’s all about you, isn’t it?” She might as well have slapped me across the face. I certainly wanted to slap her across her ugly, smugly face, but I only turned on my heel and walked away. I never waited on her or spoke to her again.

And here’s what I learned:

A) Never say, “You’re making this all about you” or “It’s not about you” to someone whose heart is breaking. You may say those things if the person you are addressing has indeed made a stupid fuss about something that is actually not about them. For example, a young lady attended my daughter’s wedding and proceeded to throw a certified hissy fit in the bride’s room during the reception. I did not point out that she was trying to make someone else’s wedding about her and her problems, but I wish I had. If I had it to do over, I would march in there, snatch her up by her hair, and say unkindly, “This is not your wedding. Straighten up or LEAVE. ¡Imediátemente!” And I’d have kicked her selfish little princess butt right then and there. If you act like a three-year-old, the bride’s mother is authorized to hand you your ass.

B) If you feel inclined to judge someone about their FEELINGS, remember these simple letters: STFU. It’s not up to you to decide how someone else feels.

C) If someone tells you that this isn’t about you, and you know it actually is about you, tell them to refer to B) above.

D) And finally, this: Actually, my life is all about me, and your life is all about you. Of course, you should definitely stop and think, is this about me? And if it’s not, then see B) above. But if it is, then own it. It’s yours. Your feelings, your thoughts, your ideas, your experience. How experiences and external stressors affect you are actually — what? — yeah. About you.

In short, be kind. To others and to yourself. You never know what someone is going through. That insipid Jane in the coffee shop didn’t even think about that. She didn’t even try to consider how hard it was for me, or how much I was hurting, or that I might go home and off myself that night.

Don’t be like Jane. Be like you. Be loving and thoughtful, including to yourself.

If you like what you just read, do me a solid and hit that little clappy thing right there. (I thought about saying, “Give me the clap,” but it was just a little too teenage-boy for me. And it has likely been done a lot. But I’m laughing about it anyway.) And, what the heck, go ahead and subscribe. Mwah! ♥