Talking Racism with a White Man

It all started when my daughter and I were shopping, and the clerk who was checking us out was nattering on about this and that…at one point, she referred to her Black coworker as “colored”.

My daughter and I (both so white we glow in the dark) were stunned into silence. We really could not believe our ears. And we didn’t know what to say.
The woman who said the offensive word was about 30 years old. Her Black coworker was probably in her 50s.

My daughter and I left without saying anything. We then discussed it at length in the car.

Not long after, I had the chance to repeat this story to two other shop clerks in a different shop. One was young and one was middle-aged like me. Neither one of them seemed to know why I was so appalled.

Do you know why I was appalled? Do you understand that saying “colored” about a Black person is offensive? What would you have done?

I posted the story on social media and this conversation ensued. It has been edited for clarity. If the Other White Lady gives me permission for her hilariously angry words, I will gladly give her credit.

Mr. McWhiterson: You should step out of yourself and read what you just wrote.

White Me: Mr. McW, okay, what am I missing?

Other White Lady: Yeah, Mr. McW, what are we missing? Without looking back at that other post, I’m thinking you were the smartass who made that comment about the NAACP. I figured you for a kkkult45 member and checked out your page. Yep, you covidiots are so easy to spot. Always rationalizing your racism and superiority. BARF! Buncha fucking clowns worshipping a carnival barker. Sorry, Daphne, but I’ve had my fill of seeing yet another trumpanzee rally from last night. #fools

Mr. McW: Other White Lady, I love you, too!

Mr. McW: Daphne, the NAACP is the foremost organization for civil rights. You tell me why they haven’t changed their name, or better yet, why they even used that “word” in their name in the first place? We “Whitey McWhites” aren’t all racists. While you “white self-loath”, I celebrate people of all colors.

Mr. McW cont’d: Other White Lady, I guess since you looked at my FB page you saw this post, too. I may be a lot of things, but ignorance will NEVER label me a racist!

[He added a photo of a post about him and his close friend who is Black — the white defense that never fails to offend. “But some of my best friends are black!”]

Me: Other White Lady, it’s cool. I already announced that my gloves are off too. But I’m giving him a chance. Mr. McW, this idea of white self-loathing is inaccurate at best. I am trying to be more aware of what People of Color live through when compared with my own lived experience.

As a white man, you may have experienced plenty of hardship. You may have worked very hard for everything you have. You may have even sacrificed something dear to you for some bad reason.

But you have not had to do any of that while being Black. And that’s what we are learning as white people. Some of us. To be close friends with a Black person is great, just like being friends with anybody. But you did not have to talk to your son about how to come out of a traffic stop alive. You did not have prospective employers give you a certain look and fail to ask you real interview questions or to hire you.

And of course, I can’t stop talking about gender inequality either. You haven’t been paid less than your female counterparts — or again, simply not hired. You have not been afraid to walk to your car from the mall, even in broad daylight. You have not had to worry about giving in to a woman’s advances and winding up pregnant. Or being raped by a woman. Or or or.

You were born a white man in this country and that alone gives you a level of privilege the rest of us do not enjoy. Other White Lady, how’d I do?

Other White Lady: Daphne, PERFECT!!!!

Other White Lady: I saw a video with a young girl BLM protester stomping out a flag on fire and pulling it off the ground and away from the five white people burning it!! She was given a scholarship by a veterans group. It’s diabolical the way the movement has been hijacked by such groups as Proud Boys and Boogaloo!!

Mr. McW: Daphne, see. You’re making assumptions based on my gender and race. I actually have instructed my son on how to behave around cops. (Don’t resist arrest, show respect). I have been passed over on a job opportunity for a younger, less-experienced female. I was taken advantage of by a female babysitter when I was only 7. I came from a broken home. I served 3 years in the Army for college money because there was no way my family could even afford junior college. How dare you assume my advantages because of my race or gender. How’d I do?

[Quick note about Mr. McW’s defense: Oh, boo-fuckin’-hoo. (Learning from the Other White Lady) My parents divorced, my husband died, I raised my children alone — all while being female, btw — and I have been paid far less than my male counterparts in every. single. job. I’ve been sexually harassed all my life and assaulted more than once. And most of my life has included trying to be thin enough and pretty enough and sweet enough to try to reduce criticism from the entire world and being told to “smile” by men. So stuff that in your white male pipe and stuff it.]

Other White Lady: Whitesplainin’, Mansplainin’, Trumpsplainin’…. so sick of all of it. Women and POC are sick of being ruled by old white men. It’s not difficult to comprehend. It’s not enough to not be racist in these times, you have to be anti-Racist; otherwise, you are complacent, an enabler. White male fragility would be funny if it weren’t so pathetic. I’m not even reading this guy’s comments. Heard it all before. I no habla his blah blah. Love ya, sister, take care and I’ll prob go back and delete all this I've just spewed. Gotta let it out or I feel ill.

Mr. McW: Other White Lady, I still love you.

Other White Lady: Mr. McW, bless your heart.

Me: Mr. McW, I dare because you have advantages I never will. How can I trust you if you are a man? Not all men are rapists, but some are. But all of you have penises, so how can I tell? This is the logic applied to People of Color, especially Black people. Because they are Black, white people assume certain things about them. In fairness, none of it is really anyone’s fault, unless we can go back and blame the slave traders and/or those responsible for the Reconstruction. The latter was done so badly that it created a hatred for Black people by whites and also gave Black people the idea that they were indeed inferior, that they couldn’t learn, that they shouldn’t vote because they couldn’t be responsible for their votes. That has taken all this time to even begin to be undone. White people truly believed (and many still do) that a Black man must have raped a white woman because that’s what all Black men do. Do you see? As for the traffic stop, I told my daughters too, but WHAT OUR WHITE CHILDREN DO OR DON’T DO AT A TRAFFIC STOP WILL NOT GET THEM KILLED. That is the privilege. It doesn’t mean we are bad or that we “get away with murder” because we are white — it just means that we don’t have the same experience that Black people do.

Me: Other White Lady: No problem. I love your “I no habla his blah blah”! And you’re right. I realize that the comment I just wrote doesn’t make any damned difference. There are none so blind as those who will not see.